UNIT II - LIBIDO
Monograph - 10
Latency stage:
PRE-ADOLESCENCE
I remember there were only a couple of really bad emotional times I had as a child. I recall being eight years old and praying to God that he would take my life because I had 'been given enough time here on Earth'. I thought He should consider giving someone else a chance to live instead of me. I never could figure out why I felt that way but I was very depressed and somewhat suicidal, I suppose. In hindsight, I think I had a severe misconception of some religious teachings I picked up at my local place of worship. I think they manifested themselves in my young brain, all twisted and distorted from their intended meaning. Apparently, it didn't last long because I can think of so many other positive things that happened before and after that despondent period.
As an elementary school student, I was a loner by choice but I would still talk to other kids in class from time to time. I never saw myself as anything different from the other average little boys. I felt I had a decent sense of masculinity as I related to other young guys. On the other hand, I was frustrated and anxious about the fact that I was not as good as the other kids in sports. The problem was not that I lacked coordination or hated the action of physical activity. My problem was the fact that I got very anxious and stiff when the spotlight was on me during the game. I hated having the limelight in sports. I got so tense that I could rarely perform well. I was frequently the last to get picked for baseball teams or kickball games in gym class. However, not surprisingly, when I was around two or three other friends after school, I hardly ever had this problem. I remember sneaking in to play tennis on the adult tennis courts, wrestling, racing, playing football, and even arm wrestling after school with the few close friends I had over the years.
I definitely chose my friends carefully. Almost every day after school, I would hang out with the same kid who lived in the apartment complex around the corner from me. He had a younger brother so we often had our little team or 'gang'. I think our favorite pastime was fire. We would light controlled fires in small dirt pits on a plot of forest-land we called 'The Woods'.
As we got older, we built little forts that included small fireplaces made from old iron pipes. We spent a lot of time in those woods, which were conveniently located behind my friend's apartment building. I remember I thought The Woods was a like a whole different country. I thought it was so large and towering because most of the trees were very old and tall. It was the type of place where nobody bothered us and we had complete control (unless a couple older kids trashed our forts just for the fun of it). At first we would get angry about the vandalism and violation of our space but we had just as much fun rebuilding and 'appearing' to defend our territory.
The Woods was definitely a safe haven. There was a system of storm sewer pipes that went underneath the area. We could climb around down there for a while if anyone called the police on us for causing smoke from the fires. Some of the pipes were about six feet high and six feet wide. If it hadn't rained in a day or so, it was dry enough to camp out but it was impossible to set up anything permanent down there because it rained unexpectedly at times. The Woods was also an excellent lookout point. On one side was a fenced off tennis court, on another side was a large fenced off pool, on the other side was the large four-story apartment complex with a full view of the parking lot, and then along the front of the woods, you could see out across several local streets, businesses, and homes in the town. We had secret holes cut in the fences for 24-hour access to the tennis courts and the pool. It was a very centralized location. By building a tree house, you could see anyone coming from any direction as far as a quarter of a mile away.
Today, that same area is still there. It's impossible for builders to construct anything there because there are so many water and natural gas pipes buried just below the surface. By now, a whole new gang of youths has inherited the land. I'm fascinated by the fact that when I look at The Woods now, I realize the whole plot of land is only about five or six acres. Back then, it seemed like miles.
We really had fun, in our own way. So many people say where they live is boring. I think people are so bored because the place can only be as exciting as they make it become. Boyhood was fascinating. I would ride my bike for miles and miles as I memorized all the different street names in the local towns surrounding the big city. Sometimes in the winter, we would pick a local creek and follow it along the frozen surface until it ended or we became exhausted. Almost everything was fine during those elementary school years. I did a lot of pranks but they were never pranks that were bad enough to get punished for. I laughed a lot and played a lot. Even though I had to change elementary schools between third and forth grade, things went rather smoothly. Unfortunately my best friend was always moving back and forth between his divorced parent's homes but I had my little back up friends for the times when he was gone.
Just when I was getting used to this curious exploration and slightly rebellious boyish life, something new and overwhelming was right around the corner. By the end of fifth grade, I could see middle school (junior high school) on the horizon. I remember going into the middle school auditorium on my first day of sixth grade with all the other students from all the other elementary schools. I only knew a few kids from my own former grade school. It seemed like almost everyone in there was a stranger. I remember thinking to myself, "Oh my God, how long did they say this middle school thing was going to last?"
I also started noticing something even more overwhelming. One day, out of nowhere, one of my friends told me he had pubic hair. He said it looked like a "...robin's nest between his legs." I don't think I had that much pubic hair at that time, and I know I certainly wasn't comfortable enough to tell anyone if I did. However, I do recall my hair starting to grow in down there around the same time my friend made his rather bold remark. I wasn't sure what it meant but I knew I wasn't proud of it like my friend was. All I knew is that it meant change and I didn't really like the concept of change -- especially physical change.
Something was causing a big lack of acceptance among all the youth in middle school. I know it wasn't just me because I saw other guys treating each other awfully. I recall the words 'fag' and 'queer' being used way too much. It's almost like some guys looked for boys weaker than themselves so they could put them down to build up their own self-esteem. I got called my fair share of names, especially since I was friends with an effeminate mulatto boy who acted like an aristocrat. Some other boys insisted we were lovers. Actually, we had no sexual interest in each other whatsoever. I just thought he had an interesting sense of humor, he was intelligent, and we would compete for the top grades in the class. In fact, I never even went over his house after school or engaged in any other type of social or intimate relationship with him at all.
Nevertheless, I must admit, my eyes were drawn towards a few other attractive guys. However, I don't recall wanting any type of sexual relationship that the insecure middle school boys insisted others were having. One guy comes to mind that I found particularly fascinating. I remember going over his house after school and being amazed by him and the cool things he did for fun. I always got the feeling that he was a little bit too cool to be close friends with me because he could play guitar and was an excellent skateboarder. Looking back, I think I was just jealous of him but it expressed itself in some sort of erotic way. It wasn't like I wanted to kiss him or have sex with him. It was more like I wanted to have his body, his personality, his clothes, and his mannerisms. I felt aroused when I was alone, and I pretended to be him in my mind. Interestingly, at around the same age, I found myself getting powerful erections for pretty girls that I sat next to in class. I had desires to ask girls out, and I secretly wanted to examine their privates.
I did get called names that implied homosexual innuendo but strangely enough, I never got beat up in school. Many other kids who got the verbal abuse also got physically tormented. I think a lot of my peers were somewhat afraid of what I might do if they attacked me. Some people said I was one of those 'quiet ones' and you have to watch out for the 'quiet ones'. They did say that but I really don't remember being all that quiet. I may not have been socializing with the junior-high-elite-crowd but I kept a few close confidants with who(m) I frequently spoke. Others thought I might be the type to bring a knife or gun to school. I never brought a gun or knife but even the slightest rumor of such talk spread like wildfire.
I think what scared people the most about me was the fact that I could gain access to the county criminal justice system and taxation records through my home computer. I could find out anything about anyone's house, land, criminal record, how many rooms they had in their house, when they moved there, how much their parents paid for their house, marriage records, divorces, etc. I don't think the other teenagers understood this fact but it was all legally public information that anyone could research from their home computer or at the local courthouse.
It is true I was subject to verbal abuse from some other kids so I hate to admit it, but I was no saint myself. I remember making fun of my friend Tom because he was overweight. I also remember telling a boy who had long hair that he looked like a girl.
In sixth grade, I was 12 years old. I barely even knew what sex was and I was definitely sure I never had an orgasm. This was inevitably going to change sooner than I expected. I learned about puberty from parents, teachers, and my own research, but I never knew that crossing the line from boyhood to manhood was such an unstoppable, irreversible, and monumental event.
Next Chapter 11 >>>