Monograph - 14
Experiencing Confusion and Justification:
FANTASIES AND PREFERENCES
Since the beginning of my ability to have an orgasm, it is true that I frequently fantasized about male peers. I would imagine them experimenting with their own penises or doing something else in their private sexual lives. As a teenager, I sometimes watched my cousin ejaculate. He was about one year older than me. We would look at nude magazines that I would bring over his house. Then he would tell me to wait for him outside his room so he could 'finish-it-off' but I would watch him through the outside window. He knew I was somewhere out there, and he didn't really care that I could see him. He just wasn't very interested in having me nearby in the room when he came to the orgasm.
When I was publishing my sexuality Q & A website, I have received more than a few letters that asked: "Is it homosexual if you masturbate with another male?" -or- "I think about masturbating with another guy but I am definitely NOT gay." -or- "I only think about guys when masturbating but I can't get aroused for it in real life." -or- "I don't think I'm gay but..." To answer this question, it depends on how homosexuality is defined. Some would argue that male-male mutual masturbation is a homosexual experience and some would argue that it is not. Females also had similar types of questions. Many girls wanted to know if it meant they were lesbians because they liked to kiss their girlfriends but didn't want to have any genital contact. Some females had the same questions as the males regarding mutual masturbation.
Some people who wrote to me were just worried about the thoughts they sometimes have while fantasizing. I do think it's definitely safe to assume people can only be held accountable for their actions -- not their thoughts. But what about the action of masturbating with someone? I can say that I do not think it is homosexual sex to simply masturbate in the presence of another male. I believe it is erotic but not an act of sex. But if arguing the other side of the issue, one may say if it is erotic then isn't it sexual? Therefore, it would be homosexual, according to some people. When I received letters on this topic through my website, it was quite a relief to learn that so many other people had the same questions that I had. However, how can I take responsibility and honestly answer these questions for certain? I was struggling with the same issues. The sexuality Q & A website picked up in popularity and I wasn't sure what to do with their questions or with myself. I suddenly acquired an audience of thousands on the Internet. They were looking for the answer but I was the one with the question. Nevertheless, I answered the letters the best I could. I would say something like: I suppose masturbation with another guy is not, in itself, a homosexual sex act. Masturbation events that involve looking at each other, comparing penises, watching each other's method of masturbation, and engaging in masturbation contests may be provoked by simple curiosity not necessarily a desire for sexual acts. I define masturbation, in general, as self-induced eroticism. If I were to do this in the presence of another guy, it would hardly mean that I intend to have an affectionate type of sex with him.
However, this type of masturbatory experience can easily lead to a sexual activity. The borderline of what is considered non-sexual activity and what is considered sexual activity can easily be crossed when both people are sitting around naked. Just because one guy may be thinking about the thrill of a good ejaculation does not mean that the other guy has only that in mind. He may think you are looking to develop a gay relationship with him. I would recommend being honest about personal limits if engaging in any sexual or erotic activity. I certainly would not do it with just anyone, only a really understanding friend.
Then we come to the question of: "If the mutual masturbation involves touching another guy, is it a homosexual act?" Obviously this question is implying to touch each other's penises but I wonder if it would mean anything if the two guys were just touching knees or arms while sitting next to one another and masturbating. I guess it's all up to the individual to decide (or justify).
Adolescent Sexuality Resource |
I have researched and found that anywhere from 30-50% of all men admit to having had some kind of homosexual experience. How far does it have to go to for it to be considered a 'homosexual experience'? I'm not really sure. The 30-50% figure is such a wide, ambiguous range. Which is it? 30% or 50%? There is a big difference in that range. The bottom line is: What people consider an 'official' sexual experience depends on how the terms 'sexual' and 'experience' are interpreted. People frequently wrote to me after they read my Q & A website and asked the ultimate personal question -- "Are you gay or straight now?" Answering honestly, all I could say was, "I don't know."
Sexuality is a spectrum rather than three simple categories of gay, straight, and bisexual. When it comes to classifying sexual thoughts, it seems that everyone falls somewhere on the spectrum.
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