Monograph - 17
Self-conscious Curiosity:
MY PAST PERSONAL CONCERNS AND
QUESTIONS
I wonder why people think about sex and sexuality so much? Looking back on my journals, I can see that I had serious personal concerns about the following issues for at least a part of my life. I recall being worried about how I look; how sexually shy I feel sometimes; what other people think of me; how my body looks; how my body looks without any clothes on; and how my body functions sexually.
At other times, I had the fear that I cannot or shouldn't talk about my sexual feelings. Sometimes, I feel uncomfortable about letting my friends know what I really feel; how my parents and family would react if they knew about my sexual thoughts and activities; and having the desire to ask questions just to find out if I am normal.
I also remember being concerned about having erections in situations where I might be embarrassed if anyone knew; the size of my penis; the shape or angle of my penis; not being able to get hard when I want to have an erection; noticing other male bodies and penises to make 'comparisons'; getting somewhat aroused by seeing other guys naked; comparing myself to other guys; and wondering if my friends masturbate as often as I do. I was curious about how it might feel to sexually touch another male.
I used to be preoccupied with wondering whether my thoughts and feelings are morally right; how to distinguish between love and sex; and wondering why I have to be a little drunk or stoned before sex. I had to learn how to deal with having had sexual experiences with another male.
I worry about whether I perform well sexually. I used to have a problem with getting involved with people I didn't particularly like. I've had the feeling of being ashamed of some of the sexual thoughts or behaviors in my past; feeling lonely; feeling rage and anger when someone makes fun of me or puts me down; feeling like crying sometimes; having questions about myself and my sexual feelings but being too embarrassed to talk to anyone about them; and wondering why I do self-defeating things that cause me problems and embarrassment.
I was sometimes concerned about being less interested in sex than some of my friends; understanding how females feel about sex; knowing where to touch and when to touch sexually; how to be sure the woman will not become pregnant; wondering whether I can satisfy her sexually; wondering if my body is attractive and masculine; whether a partner would laugh or be turned off or make fun of my body, my technique or feelings; and noticing other people's bodies while wondering what they do sexually.
I naturally overcame many of the above issues with time, yet with some issues, I found I needed to ask for advice and/or help. Having said all of the above, one can see why I would take the time express myself and to reach out to others who have confidential feelings by creating websites and books.
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