Memoirs Section - 30a
JOURNAL, LETTERS & NOTES
The following is a compendium of letters to friends, journal entries, and notes to my sponsor during the first six months of continuous sobriety:
I tired getting sober so many times by myself, without the people in the fellowship. I almost have 30 days sober. My past attempts at sobriety did not last nearly as long as 30 days.
I went to a 12:30 meeting today and heard 18-year-old Allison speak. Her story was short yet profound. I could relate a lot to her when she said how it is difficult to picture and accept how she can never drink again. I spoke about how I just keep in mind that I can't ever drink again but more importantly, I don't ever have to feel detox again, get shakes, nausea, acute agitation, go tot rehab, or go to jail from drinking.
I went to an 8:30 PM meeting and I really can't remember anything from it. I can't remember anything from it and it was only about two hours ago. Oh well, they can't all be gems. It was a very routine meeting -- just going through the motions of an alcoholic recovery meeting. So, I am glad I went to the 12:30 meeting earlier today because most of the stuff they talked about applied to me. I guess you never know when the meetings that will help you stay sober will come along.
I'm also finding it increasingly difficult to deal with people outside the fellowship. It's like I can't stand or accept people on a different path in life. I talked to others in the meeting about this feeling and they said that it would go away in time. They said they felt that way too. Apparently, once the fog starts to lift from all that drinking, we feel superior to others for a while but eventually learn to accept everyone. That's what I'm told anyway. One man said to me, "Just relax ... live and let live." [Journal Entry]
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I don't have much news. I guess I have 68 days now -- Just another run-of-the-mill day. However, I realize that we should still be grateful for these days yet many times we forget to thank God for them.
I missed the 12:30 meeting but I went to the 8:30 beginner's meeting. It was a good one. About 45 people were there. An old man named Charlie spoke. He is very inspirational. He said that he has had some rough times while sober but never had a bad day. He said he couldn't consider any sober day a bad day and he had his share of bad days before he came to the program.
The guy, Josh*, I was telling you about on the phone, who had many months of sobriety relapsed. So, now he has only four days. He seems very scared and depressed. I never saw him like that before. I talked to another newcomer named Adam who has 47 days. He is a very interesting person.
I think I was really having a strange day. I felt like I might be starting to get a cold or something. It might have been the daylight savings time thing. I do NOT adjust well to daylight savings time you know. My body realizes there is a change and fights it. I just don't take changes very well. [Email to sponsor]
* About ten months after I wrote this letter, Josh died of an overdose. They say it was most likely a suicidal overdose. His funeral was the same day as his birthday. He would have been age 20.
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I couldn't go to the 12:30 meeting today because I had to do my weekly community service for the drunken escapades I did months ago. I had to walk around picking up trash for three hours. I went to the 8:30 meeting and I think I said something profound. I was talking about how I used to have an empty void inside when I first got sober but now I don't. I was the first person to speak and the Chairperson, Missy, said she was taken by it and that I was an "...asset to the group." They liked some part of whatever I said. One of the rudest and most profane guys in the group came over to me and shook my hand after the meeting and simply said, "Thanks." I was awed by it. I never expected him to do a thing like that. He always talks like such an arrogant big-shot. He just came over looked me straight in the eye and said, "Thanks." Then, he went to talk to some girl about her wedding. Amazing. What did I do? Did I say something to make him think? Did I say something that would keep him sober? I was so astounded by his action, I didn't know what to say back to him so I just looked at him, kind of smiled, and shook my head in a yes motion. [Email to sponsor]
I think that 90% of my life, I am happy when sober but when I was out drinking I was only happy 10% of my life. That equals 100%. In an algebraic equation that looks like this:
Given: S = Sober D = Drunk L = Life outcome
S + D = Total L
Happiness:
(L - D) = 90% but:
(L - S) = 10%
(L - D) > (L - S) so (L - D) is a mathematically logical choice
[Journal note]
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I only went to half a meeting today at 12:30. I left after the main speaker was finished. I just didn't feel like sticking around. I feel hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. Strangely enough, I don't feel like drinking over it though. I am starting to get complacent, I see. Skipping a meeting yesterday and cutting today's meeting short isn't good. Complacency is what it is, I think. I feel satisfied that I don't want to drink so I am not taking the meetings as seriously. I have noticed they are starting to become repetitive also. Old George spoke again for the second time in two weeks. That meeting seems to be having trouble with leadership for chairpersons lately also. I hope my 90 days comes soon and so do they because when they let you chair meetings at 90 days. We are all getting tired of the same old people chairing and speaking. They all have years and years or they are newer than me. Today's chairman was commenting on this gap of sobriety times. Oh well, I guess we are just in a lull, a jam, a trench, a hole. I think this problem is called 'meeting block' (like writer's block).
Later that day...
I went to the 8:30 meeting tonight and it was very nice. One of my favorites was the chairperson, Gary. Earlier today, I whipped myself right out of the meeting during the midpoint coffee break. But tonight, I stayed the whole time plus 20 minutes after the meeting was over. This 8:30 meeting is a majority of young people now. An old lady didn't like that so she left right in the middle and made it obvious.
We read chapter five in the program's recovery book. Chapter five is always a good one. I get something new out of it each time I read it. I think it's the most interesting chapter because it explains how the whole program works. It gives very detailed instructions and offers solutions. Strange how we pick up on new info from old literature as we sober up and come to.
I feel kind of plain right now. There's no crisis or extreme happiness, just a plain old run-of-the-mill night. Strangely enough, I am so very grateful to feel this way. [Letter to a trusted friend]
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Well, It is Friday. I have all this energy and don't know what to do with it! I hope this doesn't lead to drinking. It probably won't. I am building a good foundation with at least one meeting every day. However, you know me. I'm still a brat. I might do some wacky experiment to see what happens if I take a drink. Just kidding. I am real bored right now. There is nothing to do. I just got back from the 12:30 meeting and saw an old friend skateboarding in the rain. I stopped and asked him what he was doing. His car needed a jump-start so I did it for him. Than only killed about five minutes though. That was the first time I saw him in a few months. He was bragging about how drunk and high he got last night. I wish I could hang out with him tonight because he told me to come over at 9:00 PM but I guess I can't. Or maybe I can? I don't know. I have nothing to do. This is so boring. [Email to sponsor]
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I went to the 8:30 meeting tonight. I think something really happened since Sunday when I gave away that 30-day coin. That calm-after-the-storm feeling has come back but this time more intense. Tonight I introduced myself and welcomed a newcomer. It was 23-year-old Chris who has four days. By doing this, I again felt myself moving further from a drink as I did on Sunday with the presentation of the coin to Chuck.
As I drove around, I found my thoughts falling upon the 11th Step. I thought about how beautifully it is worded. "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out." How poetic! I never really noticed that before but today it just came into my mind out of nowhere. 'IMPROVE', 'CONSCIOUS CONTACT', and 'POWER' -- These words are really heavy concepts. I must wonder how many recovering alcoholics actually get this far. I mean, I wonder how many actually get to the point of 'feeling' this step. There are plenty of things in earlier steps that one can use to keep sober. This step is very profound. I love having profound thoughts. [Email to sponsor]
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I have to study for a test tonight. The test is tomorrow and I have been putting it off for two weeks (since the last test). The number of days of sobriety moves so slowly but number of days for everything else moves so fast. How can that be?
I did get an A+ on the last paper I handed in. I haven't gotten an A+ in years and years and years. I was doing great in school when I was drunk but am doing even better when sober. I was so worried that when I got sober my grades would drop because I got into this big procrastination lull during my first three weeks of sobriety and couldn't get the energy or focus to do college work so I did almost nothing. I am still procrastinating but seem to be able to take in everything and get my work done the night before it is due. Procrastination is good in a way because I seem to work well under pressure when it finally gets down to the wire. [Email to sponsor]
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I went back to my Home group after not being there for four days. As soon as I opened the car door, people said, "Mike! Where have you been?" Everyone was asking where I was. I felt like the entire meeting was geared towards me. I realized immediately how much I missed the people in my group. We had a Fifth Tradition meeting, which states the primary purpose of the group is to reach out to the alcoholic that still suffers. After the meeting, I drove Chuck and Jeff to a beginner's midnight meeting down in the city. These guys are two of the most interesting people I have ever met. Jeff is an outspoken, eccentric, kind of nutty fellow and Chuck is a mellow, peaceful, relaxed kind of guy. You would love them. The three of us talked about everything on the way down and back from the midnight meeting. What an interesting combination the three of us made!
We were like three missionaries from our home group going on a quest to a foreign meeting and bringing our sobriety to offer. They kept saying how they were wondering where I was and if I was relapsing. They really welcomed me back and made me feel worthwhile. Since this happened under the spirituality of the 12 Steps and sobriety, I did not turn this event into a self-centered attitude. It instead made me realize how important each individual is and expanded my caring for others in the group.
I found myself taking notice of who was at the meeting, whose phone number I have, and who was here before but isn't now. It made me want to be the one to welcome people back after they have been away for a couple of days. I'm glad I stayed with the same recovery group long enough for stuff like this to happen. I really have something to be grateful for you know. I found myself not only being grateful to be sober but also fascinated with being sober. [Email to a trusted friend]
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Sobriety through living the 12 Steps has given me a quality of patience with people and things that is greater than I have ever known. It has also enabled me to put a great deal of space and time between my thoughts and my actions, between my emotions and my reactions, and between my obsessions and my addictions. Basically, it has taught me that I cannot make decisions on an impulse, especially when the outcome will be destruction. Knowledge of a Power and a will greater than myself that I can invite into my thinking process is what has kept me alive for the past few months.
They say that those who are intellectual are the ones who have the most difficulty attaining a good quality of life through this program, but if they finally do, they reap limitless benefits. Some must persevere longer than others, I suppose. [Journal Entry]
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I have been attending two meetings a day, the 12:30 PM and 8:30 PM. I have also been listening diligently to those Big Book cassette tapes that you bought for me. They are quite impressive. I was surprised to hear some of my own original ideas about alcoholism expressed on the tapes. For example, the difference between a heavy drinker and an alcoholic is that the heavy drinker can quit drinking for good without a program.
Other interesting things I have learned on the tapes are:
What is an allergy? (The body's abnormal reaction to a substance.)
What is the difference between spirituality and religion? (Spirituality is the belief in a Power greater than yourself and religion suggests what kind of greater Power to believe in.)
Are we recovered or recovering once in the program? (We are recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body but are always recovering from alcoholism because it is a terminal illness.) [Letter to a trusted friend]
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I don't think I am going to take that one job I mentioned (delivering prescriptions to prisons). I asked them more about it and it's ten hours a day but only two days per week. I would like to have something like four to five days a week that would add up to 20 hours total. Plus there is a security clearance that I may not pass for that job due to my criminal record with the drunk driving charges, etc.
I skipped the daytime meeting today because I was really getting sick of going to that same place two times a day and then listening to those Big Book tapes for three hours afterwards. It was starting to get to me. I will go back at 8:30 tonight though.
I spoke to those guys I was supposed to hang out with last night and explained to them beforehand I didn't feel like going because they were going to the state fair which is kind of dumb and crowded. I'm just not up to that kind of stuff yet and they agreed I wasn't. The group made me feel a lot better and told me to never force myself to have fun because it is just beating myself up. My original plan was to go to two other meetings down the city that night which I had agreed to earlier that week. I was not interested in going to the state fair with them at all. They have all known one another for much longer and all have brothers, sisters and large families. They are on a much higher social level than me. [Letter to sponsor]
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I had some real fun tonight. Jeff, this new guy Rob, and I all went down to Glenside to an anniversary speaker meeting. What an event it was! The speaker, Clyde, celebrated 53 years sober tonight. He got sober in 1946 when this program was only 11 years old. It's interesting to see how it has grown into a world-renowned recovery fellowship. It was like a great big party. We all sat at tables, like a banquet, and met new people from other areas. I found out about the local recovery clubhouse and met a few guys down there. I also got meeting schedules for midnight meetings that always have many people in attendance. It was neat to see Clyde get his 53 year sobriety coin. They had to have it specially made, I suppose. The new guy we went down with, Rob, is about 20. He is a rather quiet person and pleasant to be around. The time went so fast when we were there. I was so surprised that when we got out two and a half hours had passed. [Journal Entry]
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I am very grateful to be sober even though things are far from perfect in my life. Learning that unconditional empathy is a virtue for which I should strive has made it so this program is not a struggle for me any longer. I see how other people in my group are struggling to get 30 days yet they have been coming to meeting off and on for over ten years. They never fully committed to it, so they say. [Journal Entry]
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Jeff, Chuck, and I went down to an inner-city meeting in the bad neighborhoods. It was a midnight meeting and I was very nervous. I felt so out of place with these dregs of the city. The people talked like city tough guys. Several men pulled up on motorcycles. These were the kind of guys you are scared to even look at. The room started to fill up. I could look across the crowd and see the array of worn, city-weathered visages. They looked like people who had been poor their entire life, people who fought on the streets for survival. The haggard hair and washed out clothes created the grayest shade of gray I have ever seen.
I was in the presence of human beings who have been totally depleted of their innocence from their addiction and their harsh street lives. These people had known a life I have never had to live. They survived from day to day, possibly not knowing when their next meal would be. Former drunks from the gutter, street addicts, prostitutes, prison inmates, and bums gradually filled the chairs. Many of the things I would take for granted, they would think are luxuries. Fear overwhelmed me but something told me I could relax. I felt as if I was a third party observer. Then, the meeting began.
The speaker introduced many of the program's concepts I was familiar with. Suddenly, I felt on an equal level with the people around me. I came from a different background but traveled on a common plight. These were just another group of people trying to stay sober for one more day just like I was. I looked again across the audience and noticed something different about their faces. These were not just city slum outcasts. These people had something different from the people I have seen on the streets in the rough neighborhoods of the big city. There was a certain look in their eyes of peace. It was serenity in its purist form. These people were genuinely in the process of spiritual awakenings. Even in the poorest, most crime-ridden parts of town, there are miracles in progress. [Journal notes and Email to Sponsor]
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: I got pulled over by the cops last night for a no turn on red
but the funny thing is -- my clothes were all wet after
skating so I took them off and I was driving around like
that.
Swngrs: Ha Haaa
The cop came up to my window and said, "Wanna tell me
why you are driving around in your underwear?"
Swngrs: LOL [laugh out loud]
: So I told him I was out skating and my clothes got wet
from sweating. The cop said, "Skating? Skating? What?
Ice skating or what kind of skating?" Then he said, "The
first thing I need you to do is put some clothes on. You
are indecently exposed."
: I said, "I am not indecently exposed, It's not like I'm
naked."
Swngrs: Ha Haa LOL
: And the cop said, "You just might as well be nekkkit!"
: I said, "They used to wear shorts in public all the time
smaller than these boxers back in the 70s and 80s."
: And the cop said, "Just get dressed and step out of the
car."
Swngrs: Wow, damn.
: He talked to the other cop for a while and then came back
to my car. He seemed calmed down. It must not be illegal
to drive around in boxer shorts because he didn't say
anything more about it.
Swngrs: Ha Haa
: But I got a $93 ticket for the no turn on red
: But he said I wouldn't get any points on the license for
that
Swngrs: Cool
Swngrs: But a bummer about the ticket
: He gave me the state's minimum fine, probably cause he
almost falsely charged me with perversion and felt dumb
about it
Swngrs: Yeah
: It was very strange. I immediately realized I was sober. If
I had been drinking, I would have gone to jail last night. I
don't think I was ever so grateful in my life for having
been not drinking. If it had been a few months ago, I
would have been drunk and would be charged with
another drunken driving charge. It definitely would have
been long jail time for the third offense.
Swngrs: True, very true.
[Internet chat room conversation with a trusted friend]
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For some reason, I felt I needed to make amends like Steps eight & nine say to do. Heather, my ex-girlfriend, was the primary one on my list. So, I called her and went down there. It went really well with the amends. I Was so nervous about doing it. I thought I would be tongue tied, etc. But I wasn't. First, I explained what the ninth Step is. Then, I said I was sorry for all the problems I had caused when I was living with her and drinking. I apologized about the car and made an agreement to make payments until the damage is paid for when I could get some money. I said I was sorry for many more other specific things also. I was very careful not to say, "I am sorry but...." Instead, I made the apologies unconditional. Then I explained that I was in the process of a spiritual awakening. I went through each of the 12 Steps and explained how I had worked each one so far. (I knew memorizing all the steps would come in handy someday.) She had many questions about the steps and I was able to answer them. She seemed genuinely interested in what had happened to me.
We were going to go out to eat or something but decided it was too hot outside (about 97°). So, we stayed in her apartment and talked for a while. I noticed how her muscle tone had improved. She said she had been going to the gym every day. We were getting bored. It was a really hot, humid, lazy day. She started feeling my arm and my back. Then felt my chest. Everything happened so fast. The next thing you know we had sex.
What now?! I haven't been with her in almost a year. I really don't know what to think right now. I am confused about whether I feel good about making amends or good about what happened after the amends.* I really don't know. [Letter to sponsor]
* It's now over three years later. Heather and I never did anything again and in all likelihood will not. She has a new boyfriend.
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