Monograph - 31
Discovery of True Regression:
A STEP BACKWARDS - RELAPSE
Originally, I managed to make it more than 17 months without a drink, but I truly never knew how much I loved my sobriety until I had officially lost it. What would make someone drink again who had such great success with recovery from alcoholism? What would make someone turn their back on the miracle of sobriety? I think there is a simple answer to these questions. For about a month, I was leaving the meetings and the fellowship behind so I started to forget my purpose in life. I was more interested in trying to work ten or more hours per day to make money. This was the first time I tried to work full-time with a college degree in hand. I was wanted to start my own taxi-cab business. I was putting in long hours working for an already established cab company while I attempted to learn the trade. I was too tired to deal with going to my recovery meetings. I put something before the priority of sobriety. I should have taken it slowly and worked fewer hours with more realistic expectations.
Secondly, I tried a new recreational drug that I had never used before. It is a medicine sold in stores, but I was taking about 100 times the recommended dose. Plus, I didn't even have any of the symptoms that the medicine was supposed to treat. At first, it seemed like a relatively mild drug. I assumed if I didn't get addicted to this stuff like I did alcohol, maybe I was cured from addiction in general. I wasn't really sure if I had already lost my sobriety because I tried this other mind-altering substance. I asked around about it in the rooms of recovering alcoholics. Some people suggested I start over with my sobriety time. Others said that since it was a non-alcoholic substance, I should just not do it anymore and move on without saying any more about it. Hardly anyone even heard of the drug I was taking. Many people told me that it's up to me to decide if I am sober. Nobody else can define my sobriety? I was confused.
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At the moment I decided to drink, I just figured I would make the relapse 'official'. It had been a month since I had been to a meeting anyway. I didn't know it until afterwards but money, property, and prestige became more important than sobriety. About 18 hours before I relapsed, I had an opportunity to help an obviously drunk alcoholic man. He was in the back seat of my taxi-cab, and I was driving. He told me to take him to the liquor store where he purchased a large amount of booze. He was already drunk when he got it the cab. All I could do was sit there and say to myself, "I'm glad that's not me." I know there was no way I could have cured his alcoholism but I certainly could have tried to help him. I should have said something as simple as, "Do you want to talk?" Or, "I remember doing exactly what you're doing. Is there anyway I can help?" I didn't even bother saying a prayer for him. I didn't even take a moment to thank God that I was reasonably healthy while others still suffered from a more disastrous plight.
Not continuing to spend time helping other alcoholics made me feel like I no longer had a primary purpose in life. Eventually, I had to humble myself and start all over. I had to go back into the recovery meeting rooms and tell everyone I had just one day. I was lucky to be able to get sober again. I've seen many people drink after years of sobriety and never come back. It seems that too many people had to suffer or die so we could stay sober. Those who continue to suffer or die set the example of what can happen to a sober alcoholic who drinks again. I was lucky to make it back alive. But having said that, dying would not have been the bad part. Dying would have just been the last part.
Section - 31a
A Letter on:
THE TOPIC OF RELAPSE
The worst feeling I ever experienced was when I lapsed into addiction all over again after being sober for so long. Mentally, it was an absolute hell. It didn't take long for me to realize what I had done. Plus, I knew I had to quit all over again. I had barely one day sober when I wrote the following letter:
The white flag is literally hanging outside my window right now. I cut up a white shirt and tied the ends to a pencil. I stuck it in the side of the window bracket so it hangs outside for God and myself to see. I said a simple prayer, which stated, "I give up. Please help. There is no chemical way for me to escape to the other side. In an attempt to find such a way to escape, I've lost a battle and nearly lost my life."
At this point, I feel I've left no stone unturned in my effort to try to find a chemical way to escape to the other side. During my lifetime, I've tried liquid substances such as alcohol, cough medicine, and DXM. I've inhaled gaseous substances that are either burned to smoke or inhaled by vapor such as marijuana, inhalants, crack, and so on. Finally, I tried solid items such as pills, street drug powders, acids, and more. In the past 11 years, I've gone from using basic ingredients to manufacture alcohol in my own basement to importing exotic pills and chemicals from around the world by using the latest Internet technology. I've tried just about every addictive chemical known to man and have gained a working knowledge in their mechanism of action. For that, I think I have earned an honorary Ph.D. in dementia. Even with all this drug knowledge and chemical-claim-to-fame, I was still beaten down by it all in the end. All the lengths I have gone and all the chemical roads I've taken to fight my way out of myself have brought me to the breaking point.
I'm now at the point of suicide because the malfunctions these things have caused has created an enormous deal of pain and agony. To consider suicide due to addiction was not something I had seriously considered in the past because I had never experienced the true depth of physical, mental, and spiritual pain. Curiosity keeps me alive today because I have heard there is a solution to this issue, and it's more powerful than chemicals. I have witnessed this solution work for countless hundreds of people. I've studied some of the work done by the founders of organizations that base their membership qualification on the condition such as mine. I've lost the war to escape from myself through the use of a chemical means. I tried to battle my way out of my own brain for so long that I have no power left to fight it from the inside out or from the outside in.
I feel like I've been plastered, blasted, wasted, and then hung over, wrung out, and left out to hang on the line to die. I have been beaten, beaten up, and beaten down time and time again until I have nothing left to do but cry out, "Oh God, who are You?! And what do I do now?!"
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Monograph - 32
Searching and Fearless:
CONTINUING STEPS IN SOBRIETY
Sometimes, I think the lucky drunks die. I guess the rest of us have to either go through the initial pain of getting sober or live a life of hell-on-earth as an active alcoholic or addict. Getting over what I had done and getting back on track had to be the most important thing in my life or sobriety simply wasn't going to happen again. Realizing where I went wrong and picking up the pieces would take more patience that I had ever known. I had to throw myself back into the work it takes to practice the Steps of recovery. This time, I decided to take more suggestions from other people. I realized I was often wrong, even though I always believed I was right.
Thank God I regained the ability to maintain sobriety and lead a reasonably normal life. I am one of the lucky and grateful ones. I have had the pleasure of meeting many individuals who put an end to their alcohol and drug use for several decades. In fact, there are those out there with as many as 60+ years of continuous sobriety. I cannot write from a perspective of someone who can look back on decades of sobriety and tell the world how great life was. However, I now know what it feels like to live a significant percentage of my life free from the hopeless grips of alcohol and drug addiction. I can say that if this is as good as life will get for me, I can accept it as a life that is good enough. I hope to be one of those who will be able to tell the world what it feels like to have continuous sobriety for the rest of my life. It can only be accomplished one day at a time. But one day can only be accomplished by one moment at a time.
Regardless of what I did the first time to get sober, I was told that I would now have to do a comprehensive moral inventory if I wanted to stay sober. I only had a vague idea of what they meant by 'moral inventory', so once again, I was very grateful to have a sponsor and the program's literature as a guide. I resisted for quite some time because my old ways of thinking prevented me from gaining the willingness to go through with such a detailed task. Eventually, I realized I had to follow direction.
More than one person repeatedly told me that the next thing I had to do was to complete this moral inventory. My sponsor bought me a notebook and I finally agreed to sit down and do it. It's definitely a lot easier than I thought it would be. I was instructed to list everyone I have ever had a resentment against in my life, what that resentment was, and how it affected me. Through doing this, I found out that most things I felt guilty about were nothing more than resentments against myself, so guilt needed to be on the list also. Secondly, I was told to write a list of everything and everybody that I had a fear of in my life, why I thought I had that fear, and how it affected me. Third, I was told to do the same type of inventory for my personal and sexual conduct.
Monograph - 33
Philosophy of Long Range Recovery:
ATTITUDE & OUTLOOK
Looking back at my life since I first started to have the desire to get sober, I find that I now have a new type of freedom. In myself, I can see contentment, respect, personal credibility, good physical health, improving mental health, and a growing sense of spirituality. The spiritual aspects of the program and the fellowship of the people fill the empty space that alcohol left behind. Surprisingly, boredom is a thing of the past. I'm glad the long boring hours of discontentment that I experienced in early sobriety was only a temporary condition.
Although I am happy now, I pray that I never forget what it was like during the worst of my drinking days. I was a drunk wandering around in the depths of the city, underneath highways and bridges, looking for the answer in the bottom of a bottle. I felt like I never understood why people would talk about things like God or spirituality.
The anxiety, depression, ennui, and impending doom used to run rampant in my head. I was self-seeking, self-centered, lonely, angry, restless, and irritable. When I compare myself to the way I was, I can see the change. When I take a look at myself now, I see a guy who has a purpose in life, a mission, and a cause that's worth my time. I see someone who has a message to carry, not only to the sober alcoholic but also to the sickest of the sick and the lowest of the low. After all, I was one of those not that long ago and it takes one to spot one.
What enabled me to change? What stopped me from being engulfed in the street lifestyle of drugs or the suicide-installment-plan of alcohol abuse? If left to my own will and resources, my individual human nature always steers me towards underground and illegal activities. Many adolescents are drawn to drugs, crime, and anti-social activity. Why did I turn out different from the characters I knew in the inner-city? Why did I have the experience I had with the city streets yet not make it my permanent life-style? Here are several reasons that might have had an influence:
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1) I guess I had parents and teachers that encouraged good academics. Academic achievement was always praised or rewarded. There were other students around who competed with me for the top grade in the class. Academics enabled me to gain respect from my parents, my elders, and society at large.
2) Schools were sufficiently funded. Sports or activities were available for anyone who wanted to participate. At the age of 15, I found my social identity with the cross-country and track team. I proudly wore a uniform even though I wasn't the best runner on the team. I came to believe the ethics and morals I learned from the coaches. I had a group to identify with. Sports and activities enabled me to gain some respect from my peers.
3) I had cultural capital. At age 16, I got a driver's license. The prospects of a high school and college degree were always a reality. I learned good language and cultural skills during my youth. My ancestors have been in this country since the 1700's so I am aware of resources and generally familiar with our local and national systems. Cultural capital gave me confidence and the opportunity to attend an institution of higher education. Ultimately, it would enable me to gain the respect of an employer of my choice.
But let's be really truthful! Honestly speaking, I think the above statements are things that just happened to work well for me at certain periods in my life. At first glance, it seems like a recipe for success. But so many others had these things too, yet they either died due to addiction or continue to suffer. Plus, there are so many people out there that had none of the above and succeeded in overcoming their addictions. I can only think of one thing to explain this phenomenon.
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I have come to believe that there is a Power greater than myself. I realize that I have to live life on life's terms rather than on own my terms. Living life on my terms leads to addiction and crime. Just the willingness to believe in an abstract idea of God enabled me to start to attain self-respect and self-discipline. In the beginning, this was enough for a start but it needed to grow. I still need to make progress toward ideals.
Since I do not intend this text to be a guide for recovery from addiction, I will stop discussing my experiences here. I discussed the first four Steps in the program in the monographs above. There are eight other Steps that apply to individuals in recovery. I have touched on all 12 Steps in my personal life at one time or another, but it becomes difficult to explain how the 12 Steps are a process not an event. It's a way of life not just a treatment program for addiction. I cannot and should not explain the program in its entirety. No matter how realistic my writing may become, I don't think I could ever describe in words what it feels like to be a part of something that is nothing less than a genuine miracle.
My intention of writing the above chapters was to simply give an overview of my experiences and how it feels to get sober. Everyone's experience, strength, and hope is different. If one gets involved in the type of program I described, questions regarding sober life will be answered in time.
I'd also like to say that I purposely did not mention the name of the specific alcoholic recovery program that I attend. It is believed that anonymity is the spiritual foundation of our program ever reminding us to place principles before personalities. In other words, I don't want the reader to judge the whole program based on my personality, my experiences, or my general attitude. Therefore, the actual name of the program need not be mentioned.
It's a one-of-a-kind program that has a World-Wide membership of millions. If you want to locate the same program that I spoke of in your own community, I guarantee it won't be that difficult to find. If you know someone who wants help, I would suggest starting with your local telephone directory for community resources. Alcohol rehabilitation and detoxification programs will usually give out free information. I believe that anyone who truly desires to get sober can and will find their way.
Finally, I would like to make a note that I'm very grateful for all the feedback I received from my readers and contributors to the website.
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